About Me
Hello! My name is Emma and I’m lucky enough to be Mum to J who is almost 14.
What Made Me Start Questioning?
Looking back, I always knew J was a little different to most kids. It was my normal to plan everything around how to make sure he could cope with situations. He is a very intelligent child and at around age 8 he stopped thriving at school and it became very clear that there was something going on.
Deciding to Get Assessed
J’s best friends since he was around 3 yrs old are both neurodivergent and it crossed my mind many times that I should maybe “get something in writing” for J. He started to struggle a lot in school at around age 8 and I seriously considered getting a diagnosis then, for his benefit and to help him get the education he deserved, and also thought long and hard about home educating him. Just before his 9th birthday lockdown hit and school was closed so we were forced, happily, into home educating.
He absolutely changed back into the happy, funny, quirky kid he had been when he was younger over the course of a couple of weeks and it became even clearer that school was a huge struggle for him. I de-registered him from school and we continued to home educated for 5 years. A couple of months ago, J expressed a desire to return to school and to take his GCSEs. I realised then that, as he gets older and more independent, I am not going to be able to micro-manage every situation to help him cope and decided it was time to get an official diagnosis that would ensure he can get any extras accommodations he needs to lead a more independent life.
The Waiting Game
Knowing that NHS wait times can go into months, maybe years, it was quickly obvious that we didn’t have that much time to wait. With J returning to school imminently, we needed a fast track diagnosis and going privately was the obvious choice. The two main reasons for not getting a diagnosis sooner were the wait times and the fact that I was in a position to home educate J. I feel incredibly lucky to have had the option to home educate him and to have been able to choose to get a quick diagnosis.
The Assessment Process
I was actually dreading the assessment process. I was expecting there to be multitudes of forms to fill in, a long drawn-out complicated process. I definitely felt like the assessor couldn’t possibly understand all the little things J struggles with, couldn’t possibly see how different he is to other kids just by filling out a few forms and maybe a meeting or two. There was very much a sense of “but they don’t know him like I do, they won’t see how he struggles”. I could not have been more wrong.
There were, of course, forms and questionnaires to fill out but they asked the right questions and made it easy to describe J’s struggles. We had an online assessment too, which again I was dreading as was J. I felt like we would be put under the microscope and I was concerned that it would be incredibly clinical and cold and that I wouldn’t be able to properly explain the struggles J faces and how his neurodiversity affects him. I was also worried that J might try to appear “normal”, be on his best behaviour kind of thing, and that he wouldn’t be able to relax and be himself. Again, I couldn’t have been more wrong.
The face-to-face online video call assessment was honestly fun to do. Our assessor was warm and compassionate and we all laughed a lot throughout it. J and I both felt heard and validated, for the first time I suppose really, and any fears or doubts vanished within the first few minutes. J visibly relaxed as the assessment progressed and I couldn’t have wished for a more empathetic and kind assessor. The entire process was so much easier than I ever expected and feeling like someone understands us and the validation that brings was the biggest relief ever.
The Outcome
J was diagnosed with very significant Inattentive ADHD and the assessor also picked up on some ASD traits and advised that we go for an autism assessment also, which we are currently in the process of doing. It was such a relief to have that diagnosis, to have someone agree that yes, J does struggle and does need that extra help and yes, I have been doing the right thing all these years by doing whatever I can to accommodate him in any way I can and yes absolutely he needs those accommodating in order to be able to be his best self.
The diagnosis was absolutely not a surprise for either J or myself, but to actually have someone else tell us that we were right all along and that we have been doing so well in managing it so far was incredibly validating and a huge “I knew it!” moment!
What Changed Afterwards
J has benefited so much already from knowing that it’s his ADHD that causes him to feel a certain way or to be sacked to do it not so certain things. It’s the little everyday things that matter the huge difference. He used to get incredibly frustrated if, for example, I had to remind him frequently to do simple tasks. Bring his laundry down, brush his teeth, fed his cat etc. He always felt, I know now, that he should be able to do these things easily and that my reminders made him feel like he was failing. Now he knows that his brain just doesn’t let him remember to do things and he understands that my reminders are directed at his ADHD and not himself, if that makes sense? He is very noticeably more relaxed and seems less stressed about everything, as am I. Knowing that it’s his ADHD that makes him different, and not that he is lazy/doesn’t care/can’t be bothered (all things that he thought other people perceived him as) has been life changing for him.
Advice for Others on the Same Journey
If you think you might be neurodivergent, you probably are! Start the journey. Do it now. It’s very overwhelming at first, but it’s so much better once you start. Get that validation for yourself or your loved one. Forms can be filled out one question at a time. Everything can be done step by step. Just take that first step!
Looking Forward
J is absolutely thriving at school. No mean feat, jumping into y9 and choosing his options after 5 years of home education! He feels less anxious because he knows that a lot of his self-perceived “shortcomings” are because of ADHD and not him, and that with a diagnosis he and I can confidently ask for the help and accommodations he needs. His future feels an awful lot brighter now and the worry I had as a parent is considerably less knowing that yes, he DOES have ADHD and yes, he will get exactly the same chance to thrive as any other kid.